Friday, March 03, 2006

March-ing on.

Well, Feb. has passed...
Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. My site stats show me that there are a lot of you that die- hardedly check to see if I have written. Thanks.
NASCAR season has started, spring is here...and only a few more weeks of Hep C treatment HELL left.
Dale's viral count is still zero and as of yesterday, his doc's say his last week of treatment will be the week of 3/24/06. The trip to Fontana was way too much for him and Satan has returned in Full Force Plus and is showing no signs of leaving. I am turning into Satan's bride Satania as a result. UGH. UGLY. Not me. I have just freaking had it.
His Doc told me yesterday privately to try to keep standing my ground, and be strong... "It's the med's, honey" she said. "Remember it's not him it's the meds."
I am trying.
I have never been in a truly abusive relationship. I have dated men who showed signs of being abusive, but they didn't get to stay around to long. I did not grow up in an abusive household. Our family had it's issues...yes. All families do. We would fight our issues out, once and for all. Loud? Yes. Ongoing? No. Fight it out. Get it over with. Get on with it.
Vulnerable issues were NEVER allowed to be weapons. We were taught to be repectful of deep feelings and tender hearts. We did not call each other names and "Shut up" was against the freaking law to say. We could yell and get as mad as we wanted. We had to fight fair. My Dad taught us how to deal with issues immediately (my mom was a stuffer... put your blinder's on and pretend it's not there, so peace reigns in the house kinda gal). My dad taught us to compremise or agree to disagree. If you agreed to disagree, that was the end of it. My dad taught us that resentment and anger would eat you up like poison. He taught us to interact and work things out because we were a family, and families loved each other. Love of each other was always to be the first and most important goal. He was a freaking Saint. A drunken saint....but a Saint. Saint Sidney. I wish he was hear now...
But he's not...he is with my Mom again. I can here her say: Just forget about it and stop yelling. I can hear him say: Work it out. Talk it out. Yell it out. Just be respectful or agree to disagree. You love each other and that is what matters... Just get it over with before you go to bed. Stay up all night if you have to. Don't ever go to bed upset.
We have been fighting since Tuesday. Normally I ignore him unless he becomes personally insulting, emotionally abusive or is riding my ass about anything and everything. Therefore I have been on point and defensive, shields and boundaries drawn and defended. I feel like I am at war. Protecting myself. I crossed my own personal line and have went into my own screaming rages this week. Not ok. The Dance of Anger took a bad turn. I feel like crap. He feels like crap.
I am emotionally and physically drained. I am way behind on everything, but...that is the way it is for now. If I keep my dishes done and my house picked up, right now that is good enough for me.
So much for my ranting...on to the day. This too shall pass...

4 comments:

chattymoon2012 said...

Glad to see you post Clance' but sad to see you are having problems again. As you said, This too shall pass. My mother gave me that book ages ago and told me to read it, but I really couldn't get into it. Funny how we reach back to what we knew from our childhoods to deal with something in the here and now.. My mother's way was "keep the peace" but after a while she couldn't stuff the feelings anymore and had to say something. My father's stance was to feel pity for himself because he was so misunderstood. He worked, brought the pay home, and paid the bills. He didn't run around. He wanted to know what my mother was bitching about, he was doinf everything right, wasn't he? When they had fights that was when I learned the family history because of what we called "reaping up the past". My father would go back to Year 1 and it took a couple of hours of back-and-forth until they both retreated to their own corners... So, I guess I follow the old pattern. I shut up and stuff. When provoked I blow up and get it over with. When I get that riding feeling in my chest, I know I have to say something or have a stroke. However, Gene and I differ as to how we deal with anger. I am a forgive and forget person until the next time. Gene has the memory of an elephant and remembers every single time anyone ever crossed him. But, you know Clance, we are just two people living under one roof now. Nobody fights. I don't know if that is a good or bad thing and I don't really care. We have been together since 1983, got married in 1988. Guess what I am trying to say is, one way or the other we each have to find some peace, even if it is only in ourselves. I take a lot of medication, this is probably why I can sit here unfazed. My mother took a lot of medication before me. Maybe let Dale go thru his thing and say, "I can't deal with this. I know it is the medication talking, not you, and while I feel sorry that it is this way, I think I'll go out until you are done." Go out, or to another place in the house, center yourself and calm down. Easier said than done, I know. Think I've written a book here, I'm so sorry...BTW I love each of my parents and hold no resentment for all the fights and disagreements. Wouldn't do me any good if I did. Only be hurting myself....OK Clance, taking down my soapbox, my microphone and giving you back your blog////hope things improve for you, I'm so very sorry you are going thru this...love&hugz, Linda

Rocky (Racquel) said...

I will say an extra prayer for you guys. Hugs, Clance'!

Babs said...

Ahhh Clance', sorry for the return of Satan. You are a strong, brave women to endure this. But what else are you going to do, eh?
Stay strong sweetie. Try to find time for yourself. And rant away!!

PS. If it was Matt or Elliott calling, they had their chance to identify themselves many times before I have resorted to the whistle of doom. LOL!

Brilliantmadness said...

Hey Clance'
Sorry you're going through this- I know all too well the feelings you're talking about. I'm here most late nights if you need an ear, shoulder, or just company :)Your strength shines through in everything you say- And, yes, this too, shall pass :)
K*